A Bothered Boggart

A Bothered Boggart was the third chapter in Fun with Vampires.

Content
It is around about now that Deep Blue began to talk.

She didn't talk normally, instead she talked in an ecstatically happy voice.

"H-h-h-hi there! Young ones!" she giggled. "Her..her..her..her..her."

"What's wrong with you?" asked Arthur.

"For the first time in 87 years, my circuits were cleaned out, now I'm feeling top of the wor-wor-world. Her! Her!"

"Hehe," said Swiftman. "The talking bracelet is all doped up!"

"Ayways," said Deep Blue, "Hehehehe, I just can't stop laughing!"

"We are aware of that," said Holly.

"Any-hoohoohoo! You're now leaving the Mid-Way Nicety Unnicety Transquardential Porridge Zone."

"What?" said Arthur.

"It clearly said, 'Artie Ziff and the pies all stiff'" said Swiftman.

"Nope," said Deep Blue. "The Mid-Way Nicety Unnicety Transquardential Porridge Zone is an officially designated division of the Unknown Zone. It surrounds the Big City and therefore isn't as horrible as the rest of Earth. Hehehehehehehehehehehe!"

"So," said the Professor, "What you're saying is this agonising horribleness is about to get worse?"

"Yep!" said Deep Blue. "Would you like to know more?"

"Yes, we most certainly would," said Toaster Waffles.

"Ahhh!" groaned everyone else, except for Chupo, who went more, 'yeeeeeee!'

"Well, the Mid-Way Nicety Unnicety Transquardential Poridge Zone was the birth place of Roger "The Rodger" Rodgerson, the death zone of over 1000 goblin warriors in the Purge of Tacoriol. The sand you are stepping on is made of their charred ashes! Isn't that wonderful?"

"Where are we now?" asked the Professor.

"Well, you are in the mighty fine Sector 7G, aka Browtasia. Would you like to know more?"

"Yes," said Toaster Waffles.

"Ahhh!"

"Well," said Deep Blue, "it was where the criminal overlord of Downtown Big City, Old Cracker Joe, went on his Great Killing Spree of 5,688,985,227. It was where Prof. John Andrew lost his glasses and you are standing in it right now! In other words, practically nothing ever happened here! Isn't that just intriguing? Anyways, I'm getting transmissions from the small ScanBot 3000 in your food/water/other goods packages that you should look in there!"

"Swiftman!" yelled Arthur.

"Yes," said Swiftman, "what is it, my Prince?"

"Drop the bags."

"Well, yes, good sir, good sir, good sir, oh, yes, good sir, good sir, good sir-"

"Please don't start singing!"

Swiftman did so and they looked inside to see all the things...

GONE!

Everyone gasped.

Chupo went into a fit, swinging his arms around, muttering "dojodojomofogoto!"

They saw the ScanBot 3000 siting, asleep in the corner, a massive hole where the things had been stolen.

"Hey, SacnBot!"

yelled Arthur.

The ScanBot jumped up.

"You're fired!"

"Oh!"

They then saw their things being heaved along by a coyote.

They ran up to it.

"I bid you good day," said the Coyote, disappearing, along with the goods.

"No!" yelled Swiftman. "Why, Alexandra, why?"

"Deep Blue" said Arthur.

"Ah-" went the computer.

"Download heaps of dust into your systems!"

"Sure, hehe!" Then her voice went back to usual. "Oh, I feel quite depressed all of a sudden."

"Deep Blue, contact Euphorious."

"Yep, sure."

Euphorious picked up the line. "Hello, Arthur, what's the problem?"

"All our food's been stolen, all our water, all our everything!"

"Oh, wel, I assume that would include your bonus emergency teleportation packs?"

"Yes."

"Well, Deep Blue, run a scan for the nearest host of azoolium."

"Yep," said Deep Blue, sarcastically, "Sure. The nearest host- look, some azoolium is about 5k away, all right?"

"Are you feeling ok?"

"Yep. Top of the world."

"Ok, Arthur. Azoolium is a rare substance popular about 1million years ago with the rich. Homes built out of azoolium are very expensive, but completely indestructable. Anyone who could afford an azoolium-home could defenantly afford a teleport-place. Get moving to Camberwott Cottage and give me a shout when you're there."

So Arthur, Holly, the Professor, Swiftman, Chupo, Toaster Waffles and the Coyote moved on,except for the Coyote who wasn't quite there, but he was. Or was he?

The sextet (man, that sounds wrong) arrived at Camberwott Cottage.

They walked into the damp, dry, dark little house and looked around.

It was quiet.

Too quiet.

Suddenly, an insane cannibal vampire lashed out at Swiftman. "Uh, oh, says Stephan. The vampire leaps at him, Arthur jumps in, saves Stephan. Athur asks Stephan to stop narrating his life. Stephan replies, no. A-a-arthur s-s-s-s-strangles S-s-s-stephan."

The vampire stood up and seized the opportunity. It jumped towards Arthur.

"Vampire!" yelled Swiftman.

Arthur dropped Swiftman, leaping out of the vampire's way. The vampire flew towards a small fireplace-like device and smashed into it, breaking it into smithereens. The vampire stood up and Arthur grabbed a large splinter and drove it into its heart. It shrieked as it slowly returned to the plant it was born as.

"Oh," said Holly, "The teleport-place is broken!"

"Euphorious," said Arthur.

"Yes," replied Euphorious.

"It seems that the Unknown Zone has quite a large hoard of vampires, one of which just broke the telport-place."

"Oh. Well,plan B. Deep Blue."

"What!!!!!"

"Scan Toaster Waffles of Relementorious's gene."

"Toaster what?"

"The genetic mishap."

"Oh, the thing that made me talk so bloody much. Fine, I'll do it, but not becuase you said so, becuase I want to!"

"Are you sure you're feeling ok?"

"Yes! I...haven't...felt...quite...so...cosy..my...whole..life!"

"Ok!"

"Anyway, the things got a few Relementa-whatever!"

"Good, begin complete download."

"Ahh..." said Arthur. "What's a-"

"Relementorious's gene," said the Professor, "a gene that some things created via genetic building possess. It allows you to download various programs into them, turning them into a living computer program."

"And we," said Euphorious, "will download a teleport into Toaster Waffles, allowing him to teleport via touch. All he has to do is think of the precise location and touch the object with his feet and it will be right where he wants it to be."

"Any catches?" asked Arthur.

"Well..."

"Go on."

"Depending on the weight of the object and the length of the distance, it will take various times. To teleport 30k 30m, it will take 4 minutes."

"I see."

"Stay where you are until the software has downloaded."

"How long?"

"1 week."

"Without any food or water?"

"Yep."

2 days had past when they found it.

Arthur had had another Sight-spasm and was now seeing short, googly-eyed, long-fingernailed demons jumping around him, singing "Smart kid's gonna fall, fall, fall to the Nexus of Realities and we'll torture him and laugh.'

"Child, oh, human child," said one.

"Go down the dungeons," said another.

"To find the lovely liquid which the humans can't resist."

"Alcohol?" asked Arthur.

"No water!"

Arthur gathered Holly and he two proceeded to the dungeons. There, lied a huge dam, full of water.

"Water!" exclaimed Holly.

"Water!" exclaimed Arthur. He bent down and scooped up some water. Holly pushed him into the dam. She laughed, then, he popped his head up and laughed too .Holly leapt in, the cooling water soothed her dry skin and the two swu together.

The perfect romance. Until...

Holly felt something slither on her leg, she shuddered.

"What's wrong?" asked Arthur.

"Ah...I...nothing." She gave a nervous smile.

Then Arthur felt something, cautious, he slipped under. Amongst all the demons,he saw something from his universe.

A long, armoured worm with huge fangs that darted at him. He dodged its attack and yelled at Holly. Holly began to swim to shore. It grabbed her leg and snapped her ankle. Screaming, she began to sink. It dashed back to Arthur, who grabbed it by it's head and began to pound it. Holly limped back to shore. Realising she was the easier prey it lashed at her, dragging her down. Arthur lept at it, but it let go of Holly and bit him, right through the ears. Screaming, he fell back. It grabbed Holly again, ready to drown her, but she turned around and grabbed its neck with her spare hand and twisted it, snapping. Blue blood filled the dam and Holly limped back towards Arthur. She grabbed him.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine, you?"

"Fine."

Arthur and Holly returned to Swiftman, the Professor, Chupo and Toaster Waffles, covered in blood.

"What happened to you?" asked the Professor.

"Oh," said Holly.

"Nothing," said Arthur.

That night, Arthur sat in a luxurious master bedroom, he flicked back the sheets, carelessly and went over to switch the light off. He flicked it and the lights dimmed. He heard a strange scuffling sound and flicked it back on. The scuffling stopped and he looked at the sheets he had carelessly tossed back. They were now neatly folded and it nice and inviting. But Arthur was cared.

He waited...

� � � � � � � � � � � ...Nothing.

Then he turned the light off, accidentally knocking the lamp over. The scuffling resumed and he switched the lamp back on to see it perfectly set up. The scuffling came from under his bead. He looked under to see a small creature with brown fur and a simple, plain hat, wearing a dirty rag, sweeping the floor with a feather-duster.

"Oh, no, no, no," it mumbled. "No, no, dirty 'tis, dirty!"

Arthur leapt under the bead, grabbed the thing by the neck and leapt out again. The thing gasped for air.

"Who are you?" demanded Arthur.

"Names, I have not," said the thing.

"What do they call you?"

"Idiot, scoundrel, stupid little imp."

"Real name."

"Well once I thought my master had named me Donovoy, but he was talking to his manager on the earpiece."

"Donovoy? What are you?"

"Redcap, redcap, I mean you no harm, I must serve you, my new master."

Arthur dropped Donovoy andthe others came running in.

"Whoa!" yelled Swiftman. "Checkout the size of that gorilla! Wowzang! As Captain Terror would say."

"What is that?" said Holly.

"Eeheeheeheeheeheeh!" went Chupo.

"Well, I'll be darned, a genetic mishap, genetic structure hybrid!" marvelled Toaster Waffles.

"A recap," said the Professor.

They looked redcaps up in the Encyclopedia Brownasia andfound a small entry reading,

"Redcaps,scientific name homo dwarvis orcis hybridisidus genmishapous capredliar, are a scientific marvel.

They were created years ago, when corporations wanted to master genetic building, but couldn't quite get it right.

The redcaps had to be modelled over a genetic structure, then using genetic building to merely enhance them.

Professor Makoville Dokolokovich knew that doing it on any species would be breaking the Truce. So, he combined the genes of a dwarf with that of a goblin to create a fowl thing called a piksie.

Eventually, Professor Dokolokovich managed to use genetic building to transform the piksie into a creature he called a redcap.

Redcaps were the ultimate slaves, apparently, if they aren't given orders, then they pine away and die. The richest of the rich bought the first wave of redcaps before they were recalled by the Government because of their backgrounds which defeats the purpose of the Truce between Species.

Very few redcaps still exist, those who do, are left in the Unknown Zone to die as there are no redcaps in the Big City. Because of azoolium, up to 50 redcaps could have survived."

"Well," said the Professor. "We've got the ultimate slave!"

The days rode past as Toaster Waffles grew his teleportation software and Donovoy continued to serve them needingly.

Till one day...

Donovoy wasd buidy fighting some form of rat, when Arthur came to notice how much work the redcap had done. After Donovoy had sopped up the rat blood, he began slaving away at assorting various lengths of wire.

"Hey, Donovoy," said Arthur.

"Yes, oh gracious master," the redcap replied.

"Do you think you might be able to take like a day off or two or three, or..why don't you just stop being a slave and become something else, like a priest or a watchmaker? I want you to, infact I order you to stop work!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"cried Donovoy "Why on heaven, earth, hell and the Mysterious Beyond O Worshipped by the Shady Church of the Tin Vagabond, did you say that?" He ran around, screaming. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!"

Then he crumbled and twisted into a green paste his skin hardened into a thick shell and his arms grew up and attached to the ceiling. Donovoy had transformed into a cocoon.

Arthur ran towards the Professor.

"Professor!"he yelled."Professor!"

"What is it now, Arthur?" yelled the Professor.

"Donovoy...er...sort of...is...all..come and see!" He ran into his room and the others followed.

There sat a huge cocoon where Donovoy once was.

"Its one of those things that caterpillars make, so you can kill them before they become these colourful things," said Swiftman.

"My God," said the Professor. "He's completely crystallized himself!"

Chupo ran up to it and began to climb around it.

"We need to get a book! To the library!"

They arived at the library and the Professor pulled out a book entitled, 'Unnatural: A Guide to Non-Evolutionary Creatures'. He flipped to the index and found 'redcaps...........Page 367' He flipped to Page 367 and looked down at a subheading, saying 'Weaknesses'.

It read: 'The purpose of a redcap is to serve, if it is ever relived of duty, its life purpose has been taken away from it and it will undergo a hideous transformation-"

"Arthur," said the Professor. "Did you fire it?"

"Yeah," said Arthur.

"Right." He continued to read.

"...The redcap's only difference from the piksie is external. Its skin will crust up into a thick coccoon and the rest of it will become a thick, green goo. But the redcap will not die, infact it will continued on next page"

The Professor's eyes migrated to the other side, where it read 'Unicorns do not like cantelope.' He looked at the page number, which read 342, the page beside it read 367. He looked at the spine to see several pages torn out. "No!"

After describing what the book said and the importance of the missing pages, the Professor joined Holly and Toaster Waffles searching for them, while Arthur, Swiftman and Chupo were sent to the dam to collect more water. Scared of the worm-things, the Professor quickly shaped the thing's carcass into a bomb which would freeze anything with a similar genetic code.

Arthur, Swiftman and Chupo walked into the basement and looked down at the dam. Along the walls were thousands of grubs which did nothing but sit there, lifeless. Arthur threw the bomb into the water.It sunk and sunk and sunk and blew up.

"Wow," sadi Swiftman. "A real body of water!"

Chupo, who was carrying the huge water skin, dived in first and gathered up the water. Then Arthur dived in and looked at all the worms thast were floating, imobolized in the water. Swiftman then pulled a lever that began to recoil the staircase.

"Eheheheheheheheheehheh!" screeched Chupo.

"Bon Voyage!" said Swiftman. "Send postcards!"

"You idiot!" yelled Arthur.

The stairs completely recoiled and Swiftman plunged in.

"You stupid little-" Arthur began to strangle Swiftman.

Swiftman slipped under water, Arthur didn't bother chasing him, he'd have to come up for air sooner or later.

"Under vater exploring vith Profezzor Ztephan Zwiftman. Today ve vill be studying ze great depths of ze dam in ze bazement, being chased by ze dreaded Arthur-monzter. Look at all zese grubs, zey merely zit here, doing nothing but abzorbing vater all day. I vonder vat zey taste like? Mmm... vat a voul taste! Rezembling votting corn vith a slight tang of eight-year-old yoghurt. Vat's this? It appears to be some kind ov umanoid creature, but iz face, iz all vrinkly and dizguztang! Itz toes and vingers are vebbed and it iz attempting to kill me!

Technical dificulties.

Please enjoy various clips of news programs."

Swiftman poked his head out of the water, leaping for the sky, his hands flinging out, attempting to grab onto anything. He then pulled back in and was gone. Arthur looked at Chupo, who wasn't there. He stood all alone in the water. Scared.

He felt something slither up his leg and grip his thigh. He yelled as it tugged him down, down, down, down, down. His ears popped from the altitude as he was pulled down to the mirky abyss. Seaweed towered kilometres high and he saw three strange creatures. One was attempting to eat him, the others were doing the same to Stephan and Chupo. He didn't know how much longer he could save his breath. Chupo slipped out from the things grip and swam to the surface. The other one leaped onto Arthur. Swiftman's one was distracted, so he kicked him in the head and swam off. Now all three were attacking Arthur. Chupo's one was the first to die as he grabbed his one and shoved its fangs into th others head. He then pushed its head down and crushed it at the marble bottom of the dam. Now only Swiftman's remained. He couldn't hold his breath. He swam to the top, the thing close behind. It grabbed his thigh and pulled him down, turning around, Arthur grabbed out his harpoon and speared it. Just about then, the genetic bomb ran out and the worms were after him. He set upa forcefield, so they couldn't get to him, but it wasn't long before he drowned.

It had been three minutes and Swiftman and Chupo were starting to dought their friend's living-ness.

"That does it!" yelled Swiftman and before Chupo could object, he dived into the dam and grabbed Arthur. He heaved the body out of the water and fought off a couple of worms.

Arthur didn't have a pulse.

His heart did not beat.

Arthur Longknuckle was dead.

Swiftman knew what he had to do. He pulled out Arthur's emergency electric pads and threw them into the water, killing all the worms.

Chupo hit hit his head.

Swiftman bent down, doing CPR. Then he was about to give him the Kiss of Life, when Arthur awoke.

Arthur kicked Swiftman and jumped up.

Arthur Longknuckle was alive.

"You saved my life," he realised.

"It was nothing," said Swiftman."Any way, I was thinking maybe because I saved your life and all, Harry could come with us."

"No."

Arthur, Swiftman and Chupo approached the Professor, Holly and Toaster Waffles with the water skin.

"I am never going back there again," said Arthur.

"Any luck trying to find out what the big shit thing is?" asked Swiftman.

"No!" yelled Holly, enfuriated.

"Maybe we should stop for the night," said the Professor.

"Good idea!"

That night the coccoon cracked.

Everyone slept. Chupo dreamed ofpins, Toaster Waffles of unicorns, Holly of the house coming to life and Swiftman of underaged corn with a wicket and a 50s aeroplane. Arthur did not sleep. He lay awake, thinking of his near-death experience. The Professor didn't sleep. He was rummaging around the library, looking for the pages. Arthur got up to make some grass-flavoured water.

Arthur Longknuckle stood in the kitchen making grass-flavoured tea. He thought he heard something. He dissmissed it as his imagination.

The Professor saw some torn out pages under a cupboard and reached under to grab them.

The lights flickered in the kitchen.

The Professor pulled out the pages and began to read.

The lights continued to flicker. A small, green creature crwaled one the walls, getting closer and closer to Arthur with each flicker.

The Professor finished reading and dashed towards Arthur.

The thing got close enough to its prey. It jumped, rows of sharp teeth ready to snap at Arthur.

Mid jump, the thing was hit by a golf club.

It screamed as it was knocked unconcious.

Arthur looked behind him to see the Professor holding a golf club.

Team meeting.

All six stood in the library, the thing strung up in chains.

"What is it?" asked Holly. She was about to touch it, but Chupo intervened.

"Idiot," sadi Toaster Waffles.

"Hey!"

"Read," said the Professor, shoving the pages in Arthur's face.

It read, 'live more vigilantly than ever. The goo contains the redcap's genetic code. Because of this, it has the power to re-create the redcap. But the redcap genes are long gone, so it relies on the piksie's genes. The goo will create a pixie embryo, which, over the course of a day, will absorb the goo, growing more and more until it becomes the full size of the redcap, maybe a bit more rump. The piksie will aquire all of the redcap's memories and feelings, but the transformation has sent it insane and it will be reluctant to destroy everything it remembers, or at least take control over it.

EATING HABITS

Redcaps enjoy a balanced d-"

Arthur stopped reading. "Great."

The piksie awoke. "Hello."

"Donovoy?"

"No, Boggart!"

"Boggart?"

"Yes." "You want to kill me?"

"Yes."

"Not going to happen."

"Why's that?"

"Nothing can break that. Deep Blue."

"Yes, Mr Longknuckle," said Deep Blue in her normal voice. "My circuits are back to normal now."

"What is the probability of these chains breaking?"

"0.88976-1, unless I want them to. Would you like to know more?"

"No."

"Good night, Mr Longknuckle."

Arthur put his hands on his hips and looked at Boggart, somewhat satisified with himself.

Later that night, Boggart escaped.

You see Deep Blue's primary programming is, if not branded as an enemy, to protect endangered species, piksies are one of these.

Boggart asked for Deep Blue to let him go, to which she replied yes.

Boggart asked Deep Blue then to relay his message to every speaker system in the world.

It said. "Calling all redcaps, you're fired. Repeat, calling all redcaps, you're fired."

An hour later he asked Deep Blue to send out another message. "Calling all piksies, come to Brownasia, the large cottage. Repeat, calling all piksies, come to Brownasia, the small cottage."

It was 1:00 in the morning when the piksies arrived.

They snuck in and began to fight.

It was 2:00 when the great battle ended. Only 2 of the 67 piksies died, none of the heroes did. Arthur programmed piksies as enemies into Deep Blue's harddrive.

This is how the battle ended.

"Of course!" yelled the Professor, fighting off some piksies, "Get to the freezer, we can manually turn the heat down to -235, cryogenic freezing level! All of us will come in and run out when all the piksies are in, they'll be froen and we can find a way to bring the redcaps back!"

"That's engenious!" yelled Arthur, he turned on his wristband. "Holly, Swiftman, Toaster Waffles, meet at the freezer. The Professor's got an idea."

All six met at the freezer, the door wide open. About 50 piksies were attacking them when Arthur flipped the gauge down to -235. The piksies ran out.

"No!" yelled Arthur.

They ran for the door, but the piksies locked the door.

"Toaster Waffles!" he yelled. "Try to use your teleport."

But Toaster Waffles had frozen.So had Swiftman, the Professor and Chupo. Holly looked at him, almost frozen.

"Arth-" but she had already frozen. Arthur fell down, in pain as he felt every part of his body stop.

60 years later...

Arthur Longknuckle thought for the first time in 60 years.

Then he heard.

Then he felt.

Then he tatsed.

Then he smelt.

And finally, he saw.

He saw Holly Eckenrock leaning over him, the others not too far behind.

"Holly" he said. "I-"

"It's ok," sadi Holly, "we'reyour friends. Remember?"

"Yes. Holly. Yes! Holly! Yes! I'm alive! I'm alive!"

"Deep Blue,"said Arthur.

"Yes, Mr Longknuckle," said Deep Blue.

"We've been frozen for sixty years, what has transpired since?"

"I'm sorry, Mr Longknuckle, you have been branded an enemy. I may nolonger answer your questions."

"What?"

"Would you like to know more?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, Mr Longknuckle, you have been branded an enemy. I may nolonger answer your questions. Would you like to know more?"

"Yes!"

"I'm sorry, Mr Longknuckle, you have been branded an enemy. I may nolonger answer your questions. Would you like to know more?"

"No."

"Good night, Mr Longknuckle."

"Yeah, good night!"

"What do we do?" said Swiftman. "60 years! I wonder if they've invented the quoozelquazzelmorahoratrar yet."

"We're about 6 metres underground," said the Professor.

"Weel, we better start digging," said Arthur. They heaved down the skylight and the dirt fell out. Eventually, a straight tunnel was right above them. They stood on each other's sholders and climbed out.

But the future was wild.

The Unknown Zone was full of potholes, thousands of metres deep. And humans stood there.

But they weren't human.

Yet they were.

They were human but not human.

They were zombies.

Seven zombies strided towards the six of them.

"Whatare they?" asked Holly.

"Zombies," said Arthur.

"Moldy-woldy-shmoldy little blighters, aren't they," said Swiftman.

"Interdimensional electrostatic microcarbonate energy can," said the Professor, "bring someone down to the brink of death and keep them there. They are mindless, only serving the one who did this to them."

"You are not purified," said a zombie.

"In the name of the all-mighty Boggart," said another.

"We shall purify you," said another.

"Take them to the Front Office," said yet another.

They lunged at Arthur, who ducked their blows. He ran to a weapon storage building, yet it was locked.

A zombie ran up to him and threw a punch. He swivelled out of its way and kicked it down, pulling out a sword and stabbing it through its head.

Knowing there were no weapons for the others at hand,he threw his sword to the Professor. He pulled out two handguns and threw them to Holly and Chupo. The bow and arrow went to Swiftman and Arthur pulled out the laser gun. Toaster Waffles was sufficently armed with his teleportation skills.

And then they fought. Swiftman shot an arrow that quickly perpatrated through a zombie's head. The Professor sliced off the arm of another, who groaned and slapped him around the head. The Professor was on his knees and Arthur ran up behind it and shot a laser which melted it down to a thick paste. Swiftman shot another arrow right into the leg of zombie. It screamed in pain and a confused Holly randomly shot it through the head. Chupo dropped the gun. He tunneled himself thorugh the ear of a zombie, and with a splat of blood, flew out of the other one, quickly brushing the red clots off of his clothes. Everyone stopped fighting. Onlyone zombie remained, it ran towards them but Toaster Waffles jumped infront, holding out his feet. The zombie hit the feet and in a flash of blue, dissappeared. A few seconds later, it appeared about 50 metres up in the sky and fell down, hitting the ground with a thump. It was still alive, so Toaster Waffles repeated this process, three times infact. The zombie still didn't die, but he stopped for a different reason.

A believed dead zombie rose and began to run towards them. The professor swung his sword and injured the zombie. It ran towards its dead friend and Toaster Waffles grabbed the Professor's sword. It then appeared, tunnelled through the standing zombie's head. Screaming in pain, Toaster Waffles touched it again and it appeared with its feet magled into the back of the crippled zombie. Toaster Waffles touched the well zombie's head and it appeared in the leg of the crippled zombie. The well zombie was nolonger well as its head was in the leg of the crippled zombie. Though the thing was barely alive, Toaster Waffles wanted to be sure and touched its chest and its heart appeared in its throat. It screamed as it swallowed its own heart and slowly died.

Toaster Waffles rushed for Arthur and hit him, he teleported away. Everyone gasped, Toaster Waffles was corrupted. But was he?

OF COURSE NOT!!!!!!!

Arthur appeared in the weapon store and busted the door open, hands filled with quazi-futuristic weapons. They all realised Boggart was at the Front Desk, which was obviously in the Big City.

Arthur put on a sweet English accent.

"Fancy going on a massacre?"

Arthur, Holly, Swiftman, the Professor, Chupo and Toaster Waffles walked into the Big City, now known as 'Bogtopia'. They saw piksies everywhere, for a moment they didn't feel like killing them. Then they saw what they were doing. A helpless zombie was strung up to a pole and the piksies threw daggers and electricty-things at it, laughing. There was a dip below it that acted as a pool for its blood. The piksies drank it and frolicked in it. A piksie wandered past with a broken leg. It tried to take a sip ofthe warm blood, but the otherssmiled and drowned it in it. They heaved out the corpse and yanked its head off. They kicked it around in some foul equivalent of soccer.

They were going to kill these fowl things right here and now.

And they did.

This is the story of a massacre.

If that was the blurb for this book, it wouldn't sell very well with anyone who isn't a war-fanatic or one of those guys who spends their whole life mastupating to porno comics based on An American Werewolf in London. This is not the blurb for the book.

I don't have any control over the blurb, that's up to the publishers. But because this is a somewhat adolecent-aimed story, I assume it will not be 'This is the story of a massacre'. That would be stupid.

The massacre has hardly anything to do with the plot. Its just a thing that happens because I like to challenge myslef and wanted to write a short few paragraphs about a massacre.

Here is the massacre.

Arthur didn't actually go on a massacre.

Ok, Third Person, breath, you can write a massacre, its ok, its ok.

OK

Here it goes...

Oh, I can't

Yes I can

No I can't

Yes I can

Well, write one then

I will then

Fine

It is

I won't be here to bail you out when you can't write that massacre

I am going to

This whole alter-ego fight is probably boring you, I'll just get to the bloody massacre!

Here it goes

The massacre is about to begin

The massacre is as follows...

Toaster Waffles was the first to charge. The freezing had somewhat corrupted his mind and he was now the ultimate destruction machine. There were piksies everywhere. He wanted to make some art. He flew up and swiped a whole lot of piksies near the top-left. They all dissapeared, leaving a large dot. He did another dot on the right snd then a big curve down the bottom. A nice smiley face. The Front Desk was a huge building, it towered at least a mile high. About 100 metres of this was occupied by a spike representing the spike of Boggart's attacks or some metophorical thing like that. Aboout 200 piksies had been teleported, all of which soon appeared impaled on the spikes.

The piksies were furious.

They charged at the others who blocked their attacks. Arthur lifted out his flamethrower and burned a whole lot of them to dust. Swiftman had a Heavy-Duty Bow Laser-Deluxe Arrow Combo Kit which he used to strike down at least 500.The Professor's huge Ecto-Blade made short work of 400, while Holly's Super Fire-Power Ultimatum Rifle shot down about 90. Chupo only took the life of 5, but weakened enough to allow Arthur or Toaster Waffles to take them on a merry ride to Kingdom Come.

Soon, one piksie remained. It saw them and ran, screaming.Holly shot it, effortlessly.

Now, to the Main Course.

Boggart.

They walked straight through the doors of the Front Desk, the zombie guards had been killed in the massacre. They walked in to see even more zombies and piksies, but they didn't mind them. They were politicians, they didn't care about mass murderers. They walked into the elevator, along with two zombies. They waited almost 10 minutes as the elevator crawled up to the top floor, playing jazz-remixes of The Imperial March. Eventually they got there and realised the zombies were getting off on the same floor they were.

Damn!

They really didn't want to kill anyone else but Boggart today.

Oh, well!

They shot the unsuspecting zombies in the back.

Ding!

Boggart sat at his desk, a bit fatter than he had been 60 years ago, slaving away at his paperwork. He hated that annoying elevatr ding. He looked up, ready to say 'What the heaven do you want?' when to zombificated corpses fell out. He thought it might just be some acquaintances playing a joke. But standing there was his worst fears.

"Ah," he said, trying to keep his cool, "Mr Lonknuckle, glad you could join me. Have you booked an appointment?"

Arthur ran towards it, full of hatred. "What have you done?"

"I have made Earth Dystopia, my good friend. Human beings may find hell somewhat unpleasant, but us piksies quiet like it."

"And the human race?"

"Zombies."

"Yes, I am not blind."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"I mean how?"

"I merely had to wait for the next quazi-inter-dimensional storm-flutter, and Deep Blue wasn't so hard to deprogram, I asked her to reproduce the energy. She did this and the whole filthy human race was at my disposal."

"But why?"

"Becase us piksies desrve the royal treatment. Someone else can do the dirty work for us."

"What dirty work?"

"Questions, Arthur, questions."

"Yes, questions, I ask quiet a lot of them."

"Why?"

"Because have you seen that ad where the garbage-boy thinks the chef says pick up the pot, but he doesn't, so instead of asking, he picks it up and it spills all over him and his skin starts to melt?"

"Too many questions. Anyway, Earth's not enough, I want to conquer Reality, so the zombies are gathering enough fuel for my starship."

"Right, yeah, I'd trust a filthy tribreed like you to come up with a plan as sick as that!"

"You dissapoint me, Arthur! It seems in your cryogenic epoch, you've become...imcompetent."

"Yeah, well, your breath stinks!"

Boggart pulled out a sleek dagger and yelled, swivelling it through the air. For a second, Arthur thought the bad-breath remark had made him so angry, but then realised it was merely because he was a homicidal monster.

Boggart brought the sword down onto Arthur, yet the Sightseer rolled out of its wrath. Arthur stood, drawing out a sword. The two paced around, swords at the ready. Boggart made the first move, leaping towards Arthur and clashing swords, midair. He fell down and Arthur swooped his sword down to hit him, but Boggart blocked. The block lasted for agesuntil they both fell back, Boggart was the first to get to his feet. He lept and sliced through Arthur's belly. Blood poured everywhere.

"No!" screamed Holly.

Boggart was about to finish Arthur off when he had an eppiphany. He let Arthur stand an he sheathed his sword. Arthur was too weak to fight, so he did the same.

"You know, Mr Longknuckle," said Boggart,"I am a brilliant beast. But there is one thing better than me in this Dystopia, and I made it." Arthur would laugh if he could. "Here." They looked at a small box containing heaps of tiny thumbnail-sized computer-device-things. "Know what it is?"

"A box,"said Arthur.

"Not just any box, a time box. A Time Bank, infact. The Time Bank. After conquering Earth, I found Walter Chestnut and froze him too. With both Sightseers gone, the demons died and I found it. The Key."

"What key?"

"I crafted the Time Bank with it. Every one of these interfaces contains a specific time period. What is your name?"

"Holly Eckenrock," said Holly.

"Aha!" he said, pulling out a tile. "This is the moment when you were born. It'd be a pity if someone were to...BREAK IT!" He snapped it and Hlly turnedto dust and floated away.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Arthur. "You sick little-"

"Cochane Weirdenstrange," said Boggart, smashing another. The Professor erupted. "Stephan Swiftman, Toaster Waffles, Chupo." He smashed the tiles and they all dissappeared.

"You," said Arthur. "I am going to kill you." He ran towards him, sword in his hand.

"Yes!" screamed Boggart. "Yes! Kill me! Kill me and you will feel it! Transformation! From good to evil! Sanity to insanity! Your stupidity sent me insane! Now mine will do the same to you! You will become evil! You will take my place and finish my work!"

Then Arthur stopped, and spoke, nice and gently. "Now that I think about it, Donovoy, I could use some help around the home. You're rehired."

"No!" screamed Boggart as his skin shredded off and Donovoy stood where he once did.

"Mr Longknuckle," he said, "Oh, Mr Longknuckle, thank you, sir, oh, thank you. Quick, Boggart liked time-travelling. We just need to-"

He pulled a tile out of the Time Bank and shoved it into a machine. He grabbed the machine and told Arthur to too. zHe did and tghey dissappeared...

60 years ago...

Arthur and Donovoy stood in a small cottage.

"Hey, Donovoy," said Arthur.

"Yes, oh gracious master," said Donovoy.

Just then, two people ran inside, one of them was Arthur and the other was Donovoy.

"No!" future Donovoy yelled. "Stop! Stop!"

"Don't," sadi future Arthur. "Whatever you do, do not say what you were about to say, if you saywhat you were about to say, the whole world will crumble and billions of people will die. Got it?" Then the two time-travellers became smoke and dissappeared.

Arthur and Donovoy, stood there, confused. "Hmm," Arthur managed to say. "How odd."